300th post for my 2011 :)

Ooh, 300th post! :D

I'm still in Keningau.

I woke up at 3AM and realized that I have to pee but I held it because the toilet is at downstairs and it was so bloody cold I didn't want to get out of my blanket until I couldn't hold it any longer... at 4:30AM. #firstworldproblems

Going into the toilet half awake, I jumped to see a reflection of woman with long hair in the mirror. Oh wait... That's me.

That was completely irrelevant.


When the fireworks exploded in the air of January 1st 2011, a gush of uneasy feelings just came into my heart. I was kind of scared of what 2011 have in store for me.

But jyeah 2011 has been an epic year. This may sound cheesy but yeah, life has taught me a number of lessons in a year. Whenever I listen to a 24, 25 year-old rant about problems I already immune to (not about holding my pee), somehow I feel blessed.

I'm not sure whether it's a good thing, to have a mindset older than my real age, to have more concerns than what most of the kids of my age do, but 1 thing for sure, what God has given to me are the best.

Irrelevant note: There's a butterfly came into the house a moment ago. It's a black butterfly with purple spots. :)

At the age of 20, I have bills and taxes to pay, a house to take care of, college to attend (not forgetting the loans), job to attend, money to keep, family to concern, and of course, a future to create. :)

I know, I exaggerate stuff. I tend to overthink everything. I cry a lot but the most importantly, I don't burden any of my loved ones.

I learnt that freedom is borderless... until you get screwed up by the so-called freedom itself. Living alone doesn't mean you can do anything you want. It means your parents believe that you're grown enough to take good care of yourself and know how to differentiate what's right and what's not.

I landed on a job as a graphic designer - which I went to the interview with my 'portfolio' (semester 4's magazine final project) and COMPLETELY unprepared. I didn't even have a resume then. So I bragged about how ~**InDePeNDeNT**~ I am!! LOL. Budak hingusan yang ingat dia sudah hebat di sekolah cuba mencari tempat dalam masyarakat. Honestly, I never thought she would hire me because usually the companies will only look for the graduates but alhamdulillah, this coming March, I've been working for a year.  Insya Allah :)

College, working until late night and coming back after a long day to an empty home,

loneliness started to kick in.

Inhale, exhale.

It was on May when my father got admitted to the CCU. The moment I got the news, I swear it became a turning point of my life. The journey from KK to Keningau was exceptionally long. I slept on most of the journey because if I stay awake, all I was going to do is to cry cry cry and cry like an annoying brat.
Talking to the doctors, asking about his conditions, checking him out of the hospital made me realize things aren't going to be the same as before. He's not as strong as he used to, and I am no longer a kid. Sad, but true. I kept thinking of all the possibilities in life. All the what ifs, what could have happened, what would happen in the future and some other shits.

Especially responsibilities.

My brother's responsibilities has become mine.
My responsibilities.

I had a beautiful summer where I got my head stuck in the clouds with a devil.
But you know what they say about messing up with the devil, in the end, you gotta pay the price.

A painful, painful price.

September to December was brutal. I didn't even know how did I manage to go through it lol. Guess you don't know your own strength until God let you do it alone. There were times I feel so unbearable but refuse to tell anyone because I think it will only burden them. And then eventually, I felt (feel - still feeling it - perhaps) numb. Getting all the blame, getting shit thrown straight to your face (metaphorically), endless workloads, money problems and became numb. I was numbed by the pain. I think I still am. I am numb.

But when I think back, I was meant to get all shit done on my own way all along. I vandalize walls even though mum and dad had given me papers, I fixed my toys on my own, I found our way home by bus (mum asked us to take the bus and she'll be waiting at the next bus stop) after mengaji when all my sister did was crying, got bullied by the other senior girls time mengaji and went back home crying but mum just let me deal with it, I kept on getting good grades and it was like nothing, I ran along the canopy bridge because seeing the look on everyone's faces admiring a little girl running on a bridge that swung terribly... boosted my childhood ego. Lulz. AND (technically) I MADE OUR HIGH SCHOOL 50 YEARS MEMORY BOOK ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. You collegians better bow down and thank me nao. NAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Sebenarnya, saya ni cepat kecil hati dan selalu seja makan hati wuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuuuuuuuuuuuu

But my ego is high enough to NOT show it to the world. *kontrol macho*

Everything I do must be not good enough.
No matter how shining I am, in the end, someone will still say 'look at your sister, she blablabla'
So it's like, I'm Prince Harry. Prince William is the crowning prince, so he has to be the finest, the sjdhfkjhdskfljdslness, whateverness.
Don't get me wrong, I love my sister, I do. She's the finest goooooooooolllllllddddddddd.
But please, for once, just don't compare. We are 2 different beings.
She's the goody-goody stay-at-home type and I'm the wild type.
Not wild as in partayyy wild. But socially, yeah I'm more sociable. A.k.a the worse sister. The one always gets overlooked. Ugly duckling. Yea literally, uglier.
But if you're going to continue comparing, can't help it lah, I'm just going to continue being Sarah. *grabs food, nom-nom-nom.*
Just you wait. Someday you're going to realize there is actually a person behind all these shadows. *emo wuwuwuwuwuwuuuu*

But the good thing is, of all the things I've been through,
I learnt to laugh it off and let it go,
and eventually became immune to it.

And I found the safest place on the whole wide universe is when I'm on the praying mat.

Where I can tell Him everything, cry without being called a weakling,

but as long as I'm on my safe zone, no one can ever hurt me.

When people ask for my advice about making desicions, I ask them back, are you going to be happy after 10 years by choosing that road? You have to look forward, no? Nothing that's worthwhile is ever easy. 

Why is that my post is getting irrelevant?

*frust*

I felt like 2011 gave me lessons of 5 years in one year. Some people (who's elder than me) might just started to experience real life crisis when I already experienced mine. Perhaps I've been through the worst, perhaps it wasn't the worst yet. But no matter what is it going to be, I'm going to stand tall to all these adversities. No matter how much tears, sweat and blood are going to shed. (Ugh, cheesy.)

But yeah. I have so many things to look forward to in 2012.. Or not. I'm finishing my diploma on early May, insya Allah :) But before that I would have to endure the agony of finishing a final project. Not forgetting MUET. Dang! I'll be having my exam at KK High School not Maktab Sabah errrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhh. Wateva lah. Sama juga. And.. yeah. To fulfill my long time mission - Mount Kinabalu! If I can't find anyone to do it with me, I'm doing it alone. Yes, I am going to do it alone.

I have no specific resolutions. I just want to live happily. *cheesy*

I put a high, REALLY high expectations for this final semester.
My last stage of metamorphosis.
I am looking forward to see the colours of my wings :)


I expect you to be good to me, 2012. Can you? :)

Anyway,

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012 EVERYONE!!!!!

Let's make some good memories! XD